How to Navigate Friendship Breakups

opening up a convo around friendships ending & the pain of a friendship drift. from the girl who formerly wouldn't let go of ~anyone~

I’ve said this many times & I will say it again: as a lifelong people pleaser who also happens to love (!!!!) a lot of people, I used to pride myself on never letting go of anyone. Ever. Like ever, ever. Even my ex-boyfriends became lifelong besties and basically family members to me.

There are a lot of positives to this! On the one hand, my plate is full with the most incredible friendships & always has been. But also, where that led me as I entered my early thirties was constantly, constantly thinking about other people and where I stood with them and if they were mad at me and what I could be doing better as a friend and what that all said about me and how friendships shaped my identity and yada yada yada. The list goes on.

If you relate, we are the SAME. HSP souls with a lot of sociable signs in our charts (Libra placements, anyone?!) and a heart big enough to share with the entire world—or so it can feel. But us highly sensitive types are also the ones to get hurt often, to overthink like it’s our job, and to give more than we receive. And perhaps not so positively: to not know when the hellllll or high water to let go of a friendship that no longer makes any sense in our lives.

If you still relate, you will also get this: all of my biggest heartbreaks have come from friendships. Not romantic relationships, but friendships. The deepest, most cutting and painful heartaches that still sting every time I think about them.

And the hard thing about that is, caring so much is oftentimes a oneway street. Not always, certainly not always, but often. Because I’ve found that we all come here with different focuses in our lives, different things we care about and spend a large chunk of our energy on. For me, one of those things happens to be friendships. If you’re reading this, maybe that’s you too.

I mean honestly… I’m still open to repairing conflicts that happened in 2nd grade if it means good energy will be restored. I’m not kidding! And by this time in my life, just one month shy of turning 34, I understand that *most* people do not feel that way. And that’s okay. I can just send loving energy & know that from my side of the street, all feels good & pure. I can’t control anyone else!

If I were to use this post to fully dive into the psyche of myself & fellow sensitive ginger-tea-sipping girlies who care about friendship as much as I do, I would be writing a dissertation. If you want that, hit me up, because I can definitely make it happen. But instead, today let’s focus on the basics and have a good ol’ girl chat about how this all feels & what it all means. :)

The tea on friendship breakups:

Friendship breakups are hard. So hard. And soooo painful. I believe the main reason for that is, unlike romantic breakups, in friendship breakups there is often a lot left unsaid. I mean, who wants to be that person who burns a bridge forever by speaking the ultimate truth of it all? And who has the time / energy / space / wherewithal to have a big confrontation with someone who isn’t their significant other? And who wants to turn their hearts inside out and share the utter depths of their soul with someone who, if there’s already a rift happening, might not receive it well or hear them at all?

A lot of friendships just silently and slowly, or sometimes rather suddenly, die out until the bond is a distant memory. And maybe I’m still someone who cares too much, but that’s really sad to me. I think we should make closure conversations or just honest heart spill conversations in friendships more of a thing. Even if that means closing the door on a friendship because it just doesn’t make sense anymore.

And look, I am not great at this. I’ve left a lot of things unsaid in many relationships. But I am trying now more than ever to really speak up on the things that matter to me, and to have the respect to let someone know why I feel a certain way rather than just ghosting them. But it’s complicated. Women especially are complicated. My husband tells me all the time, “I am so glad I’m not a girl. You guys are SO COMPLEX!!!!”

For instance, I’ll be complaining to him about an annoying or awkward situation with a friend, and he’ll be like, “So, just tell her what you just told me.” And I’m like, “EXCUSE ME??? I can’t do that.” Because women are multi-faceted, many layered, very nuanced & highly emotional beings, man. And throughout my life, I’ve become a pro at walking on eggshells when need be.

So maybe this post is less about navigating friendship breakups & more about opening up the dialogue of how sad, uncomfortable and common friendship breakups really are. For so many of us it’s this hushed, not talked about topic, because we feel some sense of shame about doing something wrong if we lose a friend.

But as far as advice goes, I will try my hand. My favorite compliment to receive is when you guys call me your internet big sis. So this is some sisterly advice, and some I’ve certainly needed to hear throughout my 20’s and early 30’s. Let’s break it down into 7 main points. Ready?

Friendship breakup tips, from your internet big sis:

1. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s probably not the other person’s fault either (unless they’re a crazy narcissist). It’s usually just a dynamic between two people that fizzles out. You’re moving in different directions, and that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily say anything bad about either of you, but it likely holds certain information about traits of people you don’t feel good around. Things you can steer clear of in the future. And it likely holds information about what you would like to do differently as a friend in the future, too.

The BIG THING IS…

It’s okay. Friendship breakups are okay, and even natural. You can’t hold on to everyone. When you hold onto too many people, especially the ones that don’t make you feel great in return, then you don’t have enough space for the people who are meant to be in your life. The ones that matter most. The ride or dies. And if you ever feel alone and as if you haven’t met your tribe yet, maybe it’s because you are still holding onto too many friendships that are not aligned at all anymore? How will newness come in if there is no space for it?

I feel like that’s something I’ve needed tattooed on my arm so I have a permanent reminder. Space. Creating space for proper, aligned, feel-good energy and reciprocal friendships is an integral part of growing older, and something that is often very much overlooked. There is room for everyone, but there is only space for so many ride or dies. And I am mostly just interested in that type of depth.

2. This might be unpopular advice and definitely goes against the mainstream rhetoric on friendship at the moment. Just because you drift from someone, doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life forever or label the relationship as toxic. It can just be. It will likely come back around in the future, if its meant to. Maybe it’s just a brief ebb and flow, or maybe they have something going on in their life that is taking up a ton of space for them that you don’t know about.

For instance, a close friend and I had a conversation a few months ago about a couple of different friends we felt were possibly mad at her/us. Mostly because we hadn’t heard from them in a while. And, as girls do, we came up with several elaborate scenarios and reasons why they would be mad. We even got into the whole, “Good riddance!! Who wants that type of energy anyway!!” kind of talk.

Come to find out, both of those women were not mad at us in the slightest. One was going through a nasty, very private divorce, and the other one was enmeshed in her own very intense life situation. They weren’t mad (or toxic)… they were just, LIVING. Just totally consumed by life. And weren’t ready to reach out or talk about it.

Why are we always so quick to believe that people dislike us if we haven’t heard from them? I know I am. If I have been drifting from someone, I usually make a point to reach out and see how they are doing. There is always a reason. And if there isn’t, that brings me to point number three.

3. Establish categories! Jonathan really helped me with this. I started putting different friendships into different categories. It’s not like an hierarchy thing. Not like some are more important than others. It simply helps to know what to expect from people and to not place your expectations too high which then creates disappointment.

You know what I mean by this. You may have your party friends, your going out to dinner friends, your sit by the ocean and have deep talks friends, your couple friends, your travel friends, your fitness friends who you catch a workout class with, your spiritual friends who you do ceremonies with, your childhood friends who you don’t see very often but would bury a body with you, your family friends who you do fun kids’ stuff with, your ride or die longtime besties, and if you’re LUCKY—you’ll have people who fit into many or all of these categories.

OR, more simply, you have your ride or dies who you’d drop anything for and vice versa. Then you have your close friends, friends you see less often, and acquaintances. If an acquaintance doesn’t congratulate you on your new baby—that’s kind of okay (maybe). But if a ride or die doesn’t acknowledge your baby’s birth, WTF?

4. For people with kids! Speaking of kids… it does get a bit more complicated in friendship when you have kids. I think all of us as moms need or desire something a bit different from our friends when it comes to having kids, and it’s 100% on us to be vocal about that. I have been pretty vocal to my friends that it’s important to me that they know and love my kids, because my kids are an extension of me. They don’t have to be amazing with kids or even like kids—but they need to give somewhat of a shit about at least asking about my kids and how my life is as a mom. Because it’s a HUGE part of my identity now.

At this point (my son is almost three and my daughter is 8 weeks), anyone who has not either met Atticus or has made some sort of attempt to get to know him… is not someone I want to prioritize in my life. At all. Why would I? And I know that’s not harsh of me, it’s simply coming from a place of love for myself and my children. This is who I am now.

I am actually looking into Delilah’s perfect, angelic, smiling, laughing 8 week old face as I say this, and I feel like it is a mom’s rite of passage. To become a new version of yourself and to shed the old skin in the process. Out of devotion to my daughter and my son (and to myself as a mother), why would I prioritize anyone who does not make an effort to at least ask about them? That protective mama bear energy is real, and my kids deserve the world—and to be surrounded by a model of healthy and loving friendships.

5. If you want to be surrounded by incredible friends, start by being an incredible friend. This isn’t *always* true, because often we can be an incredible friend and still be met with some shitty friends in return. So it’s kind of like that old saying in romantic relationships… you have to kiss a few frogs before you find THE ONE. And in friendship that can be THE ONES.

I have a few best friends from childhood who are truly so loyal and ride or die. They don’t live in LA but they still find a way to show up for everything that’s important to me. They’ve never missed a birthday, a special event, or even my mom’s birthday! That kind of loyalty is rare to come by. And of course, I do the same for them. The reciprocation of it all is the magic.

Also, I find that it’s not about placing those expectations on people but rather NOT having expectations and allowing yourself to be surprised and delighted by all of the good things about people. It’s not like I plan my events expecting out of town friends to fly in, but when they DO make the effort to come… it feels so special and makes me feel so loved. If they can’t come for whatever reason, I feel like it’s important to understand that we all have busy and wild lives. There is no prerequisite to be at everything to be a good friend, but there is definitely a magic to going that extra mile for people. For the ride or dies.

6. If someone repeatedly hurts you over and over and has no good reason for it (or even if they do, tbh)… it’s time to say goodbye. I have had to cut a few major cords in recent years, and each time it was in friendships where the issue happened repeatedly to no avail. “You can’t put yourself in the same situation with the same person over and over and expect different results.” It’s so painful, but this is an instance where you have to put yourself first and love yourself MORE than you love the friendship or the other person. At the end of the day, you must be your own best friend and have your own back. Which brings me to…

7. Be your own best friend and show others how to treat you by establishing what you will and will not tolerate. I am pretty easygoing, and I actually will tolerate a lot. I’m a busy mom with a busy life and a wonderful marriage and I’m not someone who needs to hear from you every day to know that you love me. But when my boundaries are crossed, they’re crossed. And I’ve learned that in order to not have that type of hurt in my life, it comes back to what I will tolerate. I stopped tolerating being walked all over, and lo and behold… I no longer have friends who walk all over me.

I do however allow people to apologize and redeem themselves. I don’t tend to see things so black and white. There are very few souls on this earth who I wouldn’t be open to forgiving and moving forward with. And likewise, I’ve apologized to people when need be and it always feels good to get all of the feelings and emotions out on the table.

Anyway, I am lucky to be blessed with a lot of amazing friends. Friendship is a defining factor in my life, and I love my friends dearly. Perhaps because of navigating so many relationships, I have had to learn what really matters to me in a friendship and also how I want to show up as a friend. I think it’s an important thing to truly think about and act intentionally on — how do you want to show up for people? How do you want them to show up for you?

Ride or die friendships don’t just happen willy nilly, they do take effort and intention! I believe that being clear on those intentions and questions will help you cultivate the relationships you are meant to have in this life.

& all spiritual talk aside, sometimes people just really do suck and burn us badly. And that hurts. And it’s okay to be hurt. But the best thing to do is to close off space to that kind of energy in your life, and invite in space for good energy and beautiful reciprocity.

Ultimately, I think friendship breakups are so hard because friendships are a mirror into ourselves. A window into parts of ourselves that we’ve locked up until the right people come along to unlock them. Friendship is about trust and love and the innocence of girlhood, and when that trust gets broken (as it often does), it’s truly so painful.

In my experience, the BEST way to maintain solid relationships in your life is to have respect, love, and non-negotiables for yourself above all else. Whenever I dip back on my non-negotiables, or I start to place the feelings of others way beyond my own too often, then I start to get exhausted & drained by friendship instead of lifted up by it.

Find that delicate balance between not placing expectations on people while also knowing that you deserve that FEEL GOOD feeling in your friendships. I always say, it’s not about quantity of time together or even having things be ~perfect~ as long as the energy is good. If the energy is off, you’ll feel it, they’ll feel it, and it’s draining.

Let’s all make a pact to speak our hearts more too, ok? Let’s make those open-hearted conversations more of a thing so that friendships don’t get messy so often.

I would LOVE to hear all of your thoughts. Please share below. This topic fascinates me, I’d love to write a book on it one day. & maybe ONE DAY I will share about one of my oldest childhood friendships that broke my heart, that probably stemmed my whole interest in the topic to begin with… <3 tell me, tell me your thoughts below & love you all xx

LOVE, your internet big sis