on friendship breakups, navigating the end of female friendships, and outgrowing people you thought were forever
oh yeah, we're going there
my loves! if you’ve been here for a while then you know, i am deeply and forever fascinated by the topic of friendship.
maybe it’s because i’m a triple libra so i am fueled to my core by my relationships, or maybe because i grew up at a super tiny school where my first ever friends were more like family, or maybe because i am just obsessed with closeness & analyzing all things psychologically relational and digging into what it all means… or maybe it’s a mix of all of the above.
up until a handful of years ago, i could confidently say, “i’ve never lost a friend in my life.” yes, i had grown apart from people (a few that particularly stung), and there were one or two friends in my early twenties that i had to consciously step away from because i felt smothering energy (don’t smother a libra, just don’t do it), but overall… I have mostly stayed in touch with literally anyone i’ve ever known.
including ex-boyfriends (most of them are still my friends, to this day), childhood friends who moved away two and a half decades ago, people i have barely seen since middle school, the list goes on. i will forever love keeping in touch with people, it’s a core part of who i am.
but in recent years… something rather seismically shifted in my life. and i started losing people. some remarkably close, some less close but still in my larger circle, some far more peripheral but still noticeable. and i’m going to go out on a limb and say that losing people isn’t actually a bad thing, contrary to what i used to believe and feel, because it all goes back to one core thing… real growth.
when we’re committed to true growth and evolution, we are brave enough to shed old skins. we step away from old parts of ourselves, we release the tight grips we’ve had on our identities and the identities of those around us, and my god—we start to instill boundaries!!!!
when i was a person who had “never lost a friend in my life” (which by the way, i think was a lie i used to tell myself, which we’ll get into behind the paywall bc it’s juicy), i’ve come to learn i wasn’t some holy person who could see all sides of people and love them anyway, i was a person who severely lacked boundaries. who was so terrified of being disliked, i would do anything to try to make sure that never happened.
this was me, on a loop, for most of my life:
“oh! you haven’t met my kids and still don’t care to?! no problem! i will still love you forever!”
“oh, i’m the only one in this friendship who reaches out to make plans and checks in to see how you’re doing—no worries, i will carry that torch FOR LIFE.”
“you don’t seem to have a lot of space to show up for the things that are important to me, NOT A PROBLEM, you don’t have to, i’m chill as can be!!!”
“our entire friendship is about you using me and mooching off of everything i do/say/feel, and you blatantly copy me all the time? well, i’m sure i can look past it…!”
the list goes on.
the problem with this though, is that… in an effort to easily get along with everyone and extend love and grace to all who’ve i’ve ever loved and been close to, i was making a conscious choice to abandon myself, my heart, my non-negotiables, my feelings. pretty much every day.
am i perfect? no. do i have things to work on? yes. can i admit that sometimes, i AM the problem? yes.
but, do i know in my bones i’m an incredible friend and person, that most would be lucky to have in their corner? yes, absolutely.
so no, i refuse to keep abandoning myself.
and by the way, hard conversations in friendships are crucial. people who refuse to have those with you, when needed, are also not your people.
in this essay, we’ll be getting into: friendship breakups, navigating the end of a female friendship (telling you the story of my original friend breakup), outgrowing people you thought were forever, and how to heal & find peace in spite of it all. <3
gonna need ALL your thoughts on this one. the juice is below the paywall. 👇🏻
