The Book I Didn’t Know My Body Was Writing

I Went to Write a Book. My Body Asked Me to Feel.

I took a trip to Ojai this week because I thought I needed to work on my book. What I really needed was to feel what was happening in my body, listen to its call from deep within, and begin to heal my nervous system—on a deeper level than ever before.

I am just emerging from this magical trip, booked out of a desire to be alone and a desperation to work on my book (this book, in case you were wondering, because I know I talk about several. I’m #crazylikethat). And I have so much to say. I’ve been virtually silent online because I have been in another place, another dimension entirely.

You see, my deadline for A Bridge Between Worlds is rapidly approaching—October of this year, but with how fast time is moving lately that may as well be tomorrow. And what’s funny is that I have been working on this book for ~9 years & in many ways, in many places (journals, iPhone notes, Word docs, book writing software, etc.), it’s already written. I actually wrote the whole book before I even pitched it to publishers because that’s how serious I was about keeping it in my own voice & not changing a single thing about it for validation!

But of course, when I got this particular book deal with Hachette, I decided to be an even crazier version of myself and *rewrite the whole book.* From scratch. Because when you’re a writer in your bones, a healer in your spirit, a deep feeler who came to this earth simply to write this book & hopefully heal many with it, nothing ever feels like enough. And books are merely a snapshot in time (!!) so I of course want it to feel as relevant to my current musings and learnings as possible.

It’s true what they say—writers are mad. Us artists are fully tapped into the madness, and we use our craft to try to find some shred of understanding in a world that simply makes no sense to us. And then there are writers who decide they want to write two books at once (ahem, moi), and you can just call us full on insane. In the best way. ;)

And lately, life has been absolutely nuts. It’s been hard to work on one book, let alone two. Here’s a ~brief timeline~ of events as a little recap:

In January we bought a house, in February we moved, we got a new nanny & got Attie in a new school, I signed with a new management agency in Jan, the fires upended our lives, I’ve been working on the book and now driving 90 minutes each way to record my weekly podcast, creating a new merch line, trying to be the most present mom & wife & make our new house a home, running The Quantum Method, growing my team, creating a TQM course + planning a retreat, trying to get strong again postpartum and put my body first, my kids both are suffering from extreme rashes (like me) & our health journey right now is a full-time job, mold testing, hormone testing, hosting music classes (!), and well that’s not even the half of it!

So with that… for the last few months between the 90 minute drives and the constant filming, editing, recording, try to be supermom, repeat, and probably way too much caffeine and not enough sleep, I started to feel myself unraveling. I mean like becoming full-blown undone. But in a very peaceful and chill and compartmentalized way because duh, I’m a mom, I can’t listen to that inner voice, I must take care of the family at all costs.

But seeing as I have been around the block a few times and I know what happens when I don’t stop and listen to my body as it slowly starts to scream at me from deep within, I have been doing my best to realize the gravity of the situation and do something about it. About 2 weeks ago I told Jonathan, “I need to take a solo trip, preferably to Ojai, to work on my book otherwise I feel like I will perish.”

(What I’m not mentioning but you can fully imagine is the hysterical breakdown that came alongside of this convo, with me saying, “THIS BOOK MEANS SO MUCH TO ME AND ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED IS THIS BOOK DEAL AND FOR SOME REASON I AM NOT WORKING ON IT AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE and if I don’t carve out the space to work on it, my career as a writer is over” and and and and and annnnndddd, you know where that conversation ends up. Sob land. Breakdown town. But sometimes breakdowns are so ridiculously good and needed. This one was.)

In comes Ojai. We booked the trip. Jonathan fully showed up for me, both making sure it got booked & making sure I knew I could fully unwind while I was gone. Shoutout to him—he is always up for holding down the fort with our wild babies on his own, something I find to be the world’s hardest thing and yet somehow he does it with ease and grace and a smile on his face. He is a freaking king.

So fast forward to this Monday afternoon as I arrived in Ojai, at the magical Ojai Valley Inn no less, where we got married and will forever feel like a home away from home—the creative vortex where I first learned about the Pleiadians & where I have gotten so much of my best work and writing done over the years.

You’d think when I arrived the first thing I would do was write. But no, I was exhausted to my very core. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. On the drive there I could barely keep my eyes open. It’s been a long month. Year. Life. So the first thing I did was lean into the feminine and do something I never, ever allow myself to do, especially on a meticulously planned solo creative writing trip away from the kids and family—I RESTED. RESTED !!!! Can you believe that?!

& oh my god you guys, it was heaven. It wasn’t even a decision really, it was more like a voice from deep within told me, “Your body is writing a book you know nothing about. And in order for the words to come forth, first you must listen.”

So I did. I know how my writing flow works. I need to be in the right headspace and then once I am, I can bang out ~30,000 words in one sitting (sometimes more because yeah like I told you I’m psycho). But if the inspiration isn’t there, it’s best not to force it.

My first day in Ojai I checked into my room, did a two hour intuitive yoga flow on the floor blasting ayahuasca music, which of course made me feel like I was on Aya and made me feel like I could take on the world, and had the most powerful revelations and visions and inner knowings coming spiraling out of my mind and into my heart.

I called the shaman who guided me in my last major mushroom ceremony, and told him I was ready to listen to what he’d told me 2.5 years ago: that it’s time for me to step into my inner medicine woman. What that means, I hardly yet know. I just know that it needs to happen. Maybe it’s facilitating ceremonies for others, maybe it’s doing more of that medicine work for myself—likely it’s both. But it’s time. And for some reason I’d been putting off calling him for nearly two years… and turns out all I needed was to be fully alone with my thoughts—no interruptions.

Then I went to the gym. The gym!! For someone who struggles so much with energy and vitality, this was a huge deal. I felt like I had a life-force of energy generating through me and guiding me through the day, so I ran with it. I walked on the treadmill for an hour or so, all the while reading Anatomy of the Spirit by my angel Caroline Myss. Somehow my soul knew that in order for the book (my book) to fully flow, getting reacquainted with her words was a must.

That night all I did was journal and read. Read and journal. A lot of big realizations came through me… I’d like to share them all here but I feel like I need to give them space to breathe and grow before I fully spill them on the internet. But rest assured, it was a LOT. And it was big.

I stayed up late and slept in the next morning because that’s what I do when I’m alone and have no one to answer to! And it was heaven.

And then, the stage was set, and I wrote. Actually I don’t even know if I can say I wrote, because it’s more like my body wrote. My body poured out a litany of of words and musings and pains and thoughts and ideas and concepts and entire systems, even…. and I WAS ASTONISHED at the contents of what came through. I still am. Including a full-blown healing system that popped into my mind and came through with wild abandon. Ohmygod this book is gonna change lives.

I felt the deep, pulsing sensation to write on my laptop and then shift to my journal (pen and paper really flows for me, even though it’s not as fast) and then back to my laptop and then back to my journal—and sometimes the words wanted to be written via iPhone notes and sometimes they wanted to be spoken as voice dictation into my phone, which I later translated back to my laptop. It was a journey. A portal. A feeling spiral of light and healing and miraculous creation.

I wrote from around 10:00am until probably 2:00am (we could say 2:01 because duh angel numbers), and in that span of time I had reorganized and reawakened my entire book. But I didn’t twist my body into a painful pretzel to do so (usually when I write I am curled up like the Hunchback of Notre Dame for hours on end and then I feel like shit the next day)—I took yoga breaks, I took walk breaks, I went on a two hour sunset walk around the OVI property on the phone with one of my best friends. I took meditation breaks and a lunch break to sit on the beautiful green overlooking the rolling hills and I enjoyed my surroundings and leaned into my feminine.

Because the truth is, I didn’t go to Ojai to write my book—I went to Ojai to feel something.

My body is writing a book I knew nothing about, and in order for it to come through, I had to listen.

I went to Ojai to first and foremost heal my nervous system. I can’t even tell you how much my system relaxed while I was there. I wasn’t planning to book a massage, but I did once I was there because my body made it clear that’s what was needed.

And I knew the massage wouldn’t be an indulgent distraction, but rather it would be the catalyst for more downloads to come through and for the book to keep weaving itself into my consciousness.

By listening to and taking care of my body, not only did I create space for the book to come through—but I somehow reawakened my entire connection to the book itself. I met the consciousness of the book again & danced with it. I reignited the very important relationship between me and the book (as I am just the book’s conduit) to bring it to life.

I also made notes on the next tens of books I want to write. I feel like the gift and the message that is coming through me for these books is to be able to write “on the energy of.” So this book is on the energy of healing. But I have so many books in me—including writing a book on the energy of writing books. I can’t tell you why, but I am not arguing with the divine inspiration coming through.

I write to feel something.

I travel to feel something.

I am here, we all are, to feel something.

This book is my key into the next level of my own personal healing (mind, body and soul)—and I cannot wait for it to be the same for you.

I have so much more to say…. but for now, wanted to give you these updates. MORE TO COME SOON, including the further downloads that came through while I was there!

Thoughts? Requests for our next topic? Let’s keep diving deep together. I love you all.