The Problem with Crunchy Moms

When a holistic point of view turns into a judgmental entanglement of projections

I know, I know. Can you believe I am writing this? Me?! The crunchiest mom of them all? Well, in some ways. But definitely the crunchiest mom in my own friend group, family, and circle. The black sheep of the family, if you will, for this very reason.

But here’s the thing, although I am a crunchy mom, I have also lived a lot of life in my short three decades on the planet. The real ones know though, it’s more than three decades. It’s been many lifetimes up in this bitch, lol. I’ve been to hell and back with my health. I’ve hit rock bottom more times than I can count. I’ve almost died from chronic illness and then from pregnancy complications, and I’ve struggled with the anxiety & OCD of it all—so yeah, I’ve been around the block. Which is why I don’t judge anyone for ANY of the choices they make.

Because that’s just it, we all make our own choices because of our own lived experience. I actually am a “crunchy” mom and human being because of all of the things I’ve been through with my health. I learned more than I ever wished to know about the medical system, intimately educated myself on the systemic issues within larger corporations that are keeping us sick, became very familiar with the sinister agenda of Big Pharma, you know, all of it. The list goes on. You want to talk about these things and gripe about how hard it is to raise healthy kids in this wild world? I am your go-to. Let’s rant baby. All day, any day.

However, even though I’m one step away from moving to a homestead and growing all of my family’s food in my own soil because that’s how little I trust the food in America—there’s always been something about me. Maybe it’s an ability to see things from all sides, maybe it’s because I have three planets in Libra, or maybe it’s just because I consider myself to be highly emotionally intelligent (which makes me gravitate toward other emotionally intelligent people)—I just can’t with judging the way other people do things. Especially moms.

Which brings me to today’s topic. Ahem, drum roll pleeeeeaasee.

Breastfeeding.

Yep, breastfeeding.

( You can read my original post, To Breastfeed or Not to Breastfeed? here about my BF experiences with both kids. )

A super hot button topic among all mamas everywhere, and for good reason. Breastmilk is not only amazing for babies, but most of the formulas out there are laden with literallll poison. When we were in the hospital after I gave birth to Atticus and we had to give him formula because he was born with life threatening levels of jaundice (and then, spoiler alert, 2.5 years later Delilah had the same thing & we went through it all over again), they wanted us to give him Enfamil. Actually no, they made us give him Enfamil.

I’ll spare you from Googling it by telling you, the ingredients are terrible. It’s a formula given to kids in third world countries who are dying of starvation. So while it can be used to keep babies alive when absolutely necessary, it isn’t exactly a crunchy mom’s first choice. Or even our hundredth choice. Our holistic pediatrician told us to use it because we had to, but then to immediately switch to something better when we were out of the NICU.

And ya know, I was in the business at that time of wanting my first born child to survive, so we went with it. Then, when I learned that due to my health history I produced extremely low levels of milk on my own, we did the research and found a suitable formula that worked for us (a wonderful organic goat milk brand from Germany, as I tend to trust the European brands way more when it comes to this kind of stuff). Attie was raised on that formula as well as my breastmilk (minuscule amounts because that’s all my body would produce, but still) for 4.5 months until we went fully to formula.

He’s a perfectly healthy, thriving, amazing kid but that’s not what I’m here to tell you. Same with Delilah and after nearly dying for my entire third trimester (I wish I was joking—*cue me begging the ER doctors to physically murder me but keep my baby alive because I was in so much pain from rectal prolapse*) I’m here to tell you that I’ve noticed a rising judgmental undertone (and overtone) from so much of the crunchy community about breastfeeding & formula, and an extreme tendency to mom shame those who have turned to formula.

Like yeah we get it, breastfeeding our kids in a meadow until the age of four is not only preferable, but it’s the literal dream. I would do that too if I could—if my body produced ample milk, if I didn’t have a lifetime’s history of health issues, if I didn’t nearly die in my pregnancy, if my kids weren’t both born with life threatening levels of jaundice, if I wasn’t also working full-time and providing for my family (if the milk was there to begin with), annnnnd the list goes on.

Look, we all have our reasons. You should have seen me after Atticus was born, my hair a mess and awake for weeks on end, using one of those SNS (supplemental nursing systems) devices that allows formula to through a tiny tube taped to your nipple while your baby nurses. It’s like a simulation of breastfeeding. It’s good for milk supply and allows the baby to get formula supplementation without introducing a bottle. I also pumped 24/7 for 4.5 months. It wreaked havoc on my life and my mental health. I did literally everything, and I would do it all over again for either of my babies.

So anyway, all of this brings me to a few weeks ago. I was given the opportunity to partner with an amazing formula brand, one that I have loved for years. I have also gotten the chance to meet much of their team in person, and they’re incredible people. It’s made for moms, by moms. At the moment, it is one of two US-based brands that is up to par in my opinion when it comes to organic ingredients, sourcing, production and beyond for infant formulas. It’s a god send! And, I got to speak from personal experience because this topic is so dear to my heart.

Sooo many of you responded, wanting the link to the formula and telling me your stories of breastfeeding, birthing, formula feeding, the guilt, the shame, the love, all of it. It was really a special thing. (Here is the link for anyone wondering, and my discount count will be automatically applied for you at checkout. YEP, we are still influencing, even in a rant!)

Now imagine my surprise when I start seeing a few people in the birth space that I have genuinely trusted & admired over the years, actually posting extremely shaming and judgmental responses to this, tearing down myself and other women who are publicly promoting and/or talking about formula companies. Excuse me….?

I was astonished. And the comments were even worse—many of whom are not even mothers to begin with (naturally, lol) and full of equally judgmental, shaming words.

All with the caveat of, “this isn’t to shame mothers, BUT….”

And then doing nothing but shame mothers.

And look, I love being crunchy. But this is when the crunchy mom stuff goes too far. There is a fine line between educating mothers about the beauty of breastfeeding, shining a light on the toxic ingredients in mainstream formula brands (not some of the newer, organic, very high quality ones that myself & others are using + talking about), making choices for your own family, and giving advice to friends or clients—and publicly tearing down women who have the actual joy & opportunity to work with formula brands we love and trust.

What shocks me most of all, is the audacity to tear down women who are open and willing enough to share our vulnerable stories with the internet about not being able to breastfeed and/or choosing to stop breastfeeding. What it does, beyond giving me the ick, is tell me that the people making these posts do not have the lived experiences to be sharing on such a topic.

People with lived experience know that there is nuance. To everything. Survive a life threatening pregnancy… and then tell me how you feel about breastfeeding while you’re in a wheelchair with a catheter and what feels like one half of a rectum praying to God that your intestines haven’t slipped back out of your body? ;)

Or, all of the mothers who have had to use surrogates for their pregnancies (which will be my position if I ever have another baby) and cannot breastfeed, or the moms who dreamt of breastfeeding their whole lives but just didn’t produce enough milk no matter what they did, or even the mothers who absolutely could have breastfed but were struggling with their mental health and chose that for themselves & their babies because they knew it’s what they needed.

Who cares what the reason is really? Those are just a few of the reasons many people turn to formula—and my godddd let me tell you, I am so grateful that these organic, intentional, TBB approved, and health savvy brands exist now. Am I claiming they are breastmilk? No, I am not. How could I? Do I think the entire formula + food industry + medical system has a long way to go? Absolutely. I hope hospitals will replace Enfamil with Bobbie or another organic choice, and that would be a start, but come on.

The reason many people are turned off of the crunchy community in general, especially when it comes to motherhood, is because the community can be so judgmental. Not all of us, of course, but it’s an undertone. It’s a vibe. And that’s why people hate on the crunchy mom world so much.

It reminds me of other controversial topics like vaccines or screen time or homeschooling or co-sleeping or sharing your kids’ faces online or Waldorf vs. Montessori—I know what my opinions are. Would I make a post declaring that everyone else is wrong and I’m right? Just to hear the echo chamber of those who feel the same to chime in? I hope not, lol.

None of us are perfect. And I don’t fault anyone for having their own lived experience and their own passions. We all operate from our own world, our own projections, our own triggers and wounds and everything else. And, as one of my favorite and wisest shamans in my life says, “People don’t get it until they get it.”

And when you get it, you know better. When you know better, you do better, & you stop shaming other moms.

If you’re reading this and you are a huge advocate of breastfeeding (like I would have been before I had my own lived experiences), I genuinely love you and I am glad you’re here. I wish I produced a ton of milk and could have been in the same boat as you. But I know that even if I did, I wouldn’t be out here assuming I know what it’s like to walk in another mom’s shoes who has had a different experience.

And if you had a similar experience to me and many of my friends, I hope that the fact that there are more and more organic, healthy, BETTER than before formulas popping up on the market now gives you solace and brings you peace.

If you’ve ever been judged for something ‘non-crunchy’ for simply being you—please know it’s not a reflection of the entire crunchy community. We could be polar opposites and I’d still embrace your choices, because there is nothing stronger than a mother’s intuition & nothing more spot on than a mom knowing what her own baby and family needs.

LOVE Y’ALL!! Yes sometimes we do controversy pieces on here, not always, but sometimes. Libras have opinions too, ok. ;) And don’t get in the way of a mama bear. Rawr.

XO